


Lost to Me

by dani_dabbles



Series: SH Writing Prompts [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Angst, Angst and Feels, Heartbreak, I have been informed this is not light angsty, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Malec AU, Mundane Alec Lightwood, Mundane Magnus Bane, no beta we die like man, soooo...., too many tags will spoil it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:20:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29719896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dani_dabbles/pseuds/dani_dabbles
Summary: Writing Prompt: “The more I love you, the more I hate you.”
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: SH Writing Prompts [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2184189
Comments: 38
Kudos: 59





	Lost to Me

**Author's Note:**

> I have been in a writing rut for a few weeks and decided to use a writing prompt as an exercise to get words flowing again. Prompt from this website: https://thecharactercomma.com/writing-prompt-generator/

The two men stood several paces apart. The distance was an ugly and unfamiliar concept between them, yet neither moved to close it. They had fought before, but not like this. Never like this. Alec knew with certainty it was his fault. How could it not be? 

He tried not to flinch when devastated brown eyes bore into him, pleading and terrified. Alec could not ignore the question they held. _How do we fix this?_ Alec assumed the answer was legibly scrawled across his own miserable features.

“Don’t you get it?” he asked, gesturing weakly. The fight leached out of him, robbing him of his anger-fueled strength. He felt gutted, his chest a cavernous, barren space where only pain could thrive. Despite this, his words were venomous, “The more I love you, the more I hate you.” 

He watched detached as the words viciously struck the love of his life causing him to reel back. Alec watched as the lips he knew better than his own gaped and sputtered, “You don’t mean that.”

“I do. I do mean that.” Alec took a step forward and pointed accusingly. His voice broke around the sob he was withholding. “You came into my life. You made me feel things I never thought I would have permission or freedom to feel. I tried to tell you that it would cost me everything. But you insisted, and I allowed you to convince me otherwise. I desperately wanted to believe you when you said everything would work out; that my life would be better. I should have known my trust was misplaced. Because you failed to understand that nothing - _nothing_ \- in life has ever worked in my favor. It has never been about what I want. My life has only ever been hard choices and severe consequences. It’s just a continuous series of cruel jokes and torment. Happiness was never in the cards for me.”

He paused, mining for the courage to say what was needed, “The more I love you, the more of myself I give to you…the more I lose. I have lost my parents. I have lost my career. I have lost everything else but you. I love you, but I hate that I had to sacrifice everything else to be with you. And I know it's not your fault. _I know that_. But I can’t stop the resentment I feel toward you, even if it is misguided. Mostly...mostly I’m tired. And I-”

Alec was taunt, every muscle in his body worked to keep the tears at bay, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Silence fell between them. With every passing second it twisted and stretched, straining the air around them until the tension snapped with the shout of a single word…

“Cut!”

With a relieved exhale, Alec slumped forward, bracing his hands on his knees, breathing deep. He allowed himself a moment before straightening up. He stretched and rolled his shoulders as he tried to shed the intense and intimate emotions from the scene. 

His co-star approached him with a clap on the shoulder, “Damn, Alec. That may have been your best scene yet. I almost broke character just to give you a hug.”

Alec forced his mouth into some resemblance of a smile. 

He knew he fell short of convincing when Sebastian paused and asked with genuine concern, “You okay?”

Alec nodded. 

His co-star hesitated before deciding to accept Alec’s lie. The blonde squeezed his shoulder before heading toward the director for further instruction. Alec turned to follow.

Maia was beaming when he approached, “Alec. Excellent. Seriously. We’re not going to run it again, because I don’t think we could improve upon it in any ways. That was some real raw emotion.” She held out her arm for a fist bump, Alec obliged.

She waved vaguely behind her, “Take a break, get a snack. We’ll get things blocked for the next scene and call you back to set in a bit. Make sure makeup finds you for touch ups.”

He gave her a nod and wondered past the crew and equipment to find his chair. He flopped down and guzzled a bottle of water before grabbing for his phone in the chair’s side pocket. He was engrossed in a news article when Sebastian found him a ten minutes later. 

“Of course, you are reading about politics,” the man commented with an eye roll.

Alec shrugged. Of course he was. There was a time in his life when politics was his future. He had been bred for it, trained for it. Even though it was no longer his path some of those habits lingered. Besides, he liked to stay informed.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sebastian pull a battered book out of his bag and a copy of their heavy script. They sat in silence before his co-star began to tap his highlighter in a rhythmic pattern against the book’s pages. Alec tried to ignore it, but the tapping was soon accompanied by heavy sighs. 

“Everything okay over there?” he asked with a quirked brow.

Sebastian shook his head, “I don’t get it. I’ve read this book a thousand times, I know the script better than the screenwriter and yet I’m still struggling. These characters are obviously head-over-heels in love with each other. I don’t understand why this character just throws it all away to go back to the toxic environment of his family.” 

They both stare at the book in Sebastian’s lap, the one in which their movie was based on. He and Sebastian have studied this script for months. They’ve torn their characters apart to examine every emotion and motive, still Sebastian struggled. Alec was happy for him, his blonde and coddled co-star had never known anything but a happy and accepting home. He grew up and came out with unconditional parental love. He could not relate to the characters’ struggles.

But Alec could. He knew intimately the trauma of a toxic childhood. He knew exactly how it felt to have everything taken away because there was a fundamental part of you that others would not accept.

Once again Alec tried to explain, “We see characters like that and we love their perseverance. They become our brave and courageous heroes. But bravery cannot be sustained indefinitely. It’s exhausting. Eventually it slips away. And once it’s gone? The fear and uncertainty return. And all the burdens they had been bravely shouldering become overwhelming once again.”

Alec blinked realizing he’d spaced and Sebastian’s face came back into focus. The man watched him warily for a moment, “I think...I think I get it.”

Alec turned back to his phone. Several minutes later Sebastian got up from his chair, dropped the book in his seat and wandered over to the snack table. Alec’s gaze drifted toward the book. His own copy back in his trailer was in worse shape, only tape was keeping it together.

When the novel debuted at the top of every bestseller chart in the country two years prior, Alec knew he could not avoid it. So, he had marched to the nearest bookstore, purchased it and then locked himself in his tiny apartment to read. 

He finished it in less than 20 hours and cried for another twenty.

“Alec, five minutes and you’re needed on set.” 

He startled back to reality and assured the assistant he’d be there. Before going back, he grabbed Sebastian’s script and flipped to the scene they were about to film. He looked over his and Sebastian’s carefully considered notes penciled in the margins. 

He didn’t really need the notes, or hell even the script for that matter. He knew everything about this story. Intimately. With an unsteady exhale, Alec closed the heavy document and ran his fingers across the title page before dropping it back into Sebastian’s chair. 

He loved his career but he had been right all those years ago...the universe really was twisted and cruel.

**“Lost to Me”**

**Directed by Maia Roberts**

**Inspired by the bestselling novel**

**written by Magnus Bane**


End file.
